heavy heart, heavier burden. lightweight.

You have a heavy heart because there’s so much on it. She sits, she waits, and nothing new happens. Shes not sure what shes waiting for her but she was told that if she was patient, it’ll come. In the meantime, these men came. Came and went. None of them were exactly what she wanted. She knew she didn’t want a gangbanger, she didn’t want to have the everyday stress of wondering if he was gonna come home at night or if he was gonna be another casualty of the set. She didn’t want a drug dealer because even though they came with cheese, they , like most men, lay with bitches and wake up with fleas. Sadly , she settled for all of the above, but all in one man. She sits, sits in her livingroom. Tv watched her. She stared at the door, as if it was going to magically open. In her hand was her iphone, it was lighting up but she wasn’t paying attention to it because she was in a daze. She stared at the door. Silently praying, begging for God to send him through it. She shivered as a chill came over her, it brought her back to reality. She looked at her pgone, it lit up again, this time her mother picture popped up. She stared at it. She was paralyzed, couldn’t do anything except breath and she contemplated on stopping that herself. She looked at the door, still nothing. Her body was becoming lifeless as reality set in. What she had read 15 minutes ago was real. It wasn’t a cruel joke. She looked back at her phone, unlocked it and went to her text messages to read it one more time. Yea, the message didn’t change, it was still the same message. She put her phone down next to her and was finally able to get up and walk to the bathroom. Once she entered the bathroom, she looked herself in the mirror and realized the person she looked at wasn’t her. This woman she looked at was pained, you could see it in her eyes, her face was drained, marks of where the tears fell were plastered on her face. This wasn’t her, she was a young woman so full of life but right now she looked like someone three times her age. She kept staring at the reflection. When she walked back in the livingroom, her phone was lighting up again, this time the name read TIMOTHY <3. The one call she’d been waiting for. Her:hello. Timothy: are you okay? Her: would you be okay if the shoe were on the other foot? Timothy: that’s not what I asked you Tiff, just answer my question. Her: I answered the phone, that should be enough to tell you that im breathing but am I okay? No im not okay! i’ll probably never be okay!! Timothy: what do you want me to do? Ive apolo... Her: you think an apology is enough? You think an apology is going to change the fact that you’re having a child by someone who isn’t your girlfriend? You think an apology is going to make me feel better considering I’ve never had the opportunity to STAY pregnant by you YET this female is? *silence* She sat and thought as he sat and didn’t say anything. Her: I had to hear the shit from someone else, ON twitter, and you want to call and apologize as if you didn’t do anything wrong! Timothy: well what do you want me to say? *beep beep* She hung up in his face. She couldn’t believe how he was acting. So nonchalant about the situation as if they hadn’t been together for 5 years and counting. She knew what kind of man she was dealing with. Handsome, young with money and a lot of side ones. They knew he was with Tiffany though, they didn’t care but they knew. Tiffany had experience 2 miscarriages and 1 abortion while she’d been with Timothy. The miscarriages weren’t because she was unhealthy but because he would beat her until she could hardly move. He did this knowing she was expecting his child. Twice. To be continued…

my story.

In order for others to feel or understand what you’ve been through, you have to open up. All those scars that you try to hide with Band-Aids, all the smoke you inhale to numb the real pain, you have to open up, make yourself vulnerable. I don’t like revealing myself in my stories, all of them aren’t about me but a lil piece of it might be from my personal story. I don’t want to bore anyone , let’s be honest, how many times do you want to read about a girl getting beat, a young man getting killed or a runaway? This one is different. This is my story. I am a 23 year old female, born and raised Compton & Lakewood, Ca. I didn’t grow up poor, I struggled but I’ve overcame all the struggles this far. Majority of the time I had a two parent home, my mom would do anything for my sister and I, my step father would do the same. My biological father was in my life since the day I was born so I had that male figure in my life. Looking at some of the things I’ve done, you would think I didn’t have a father figure. I’ve put myself through a lot of unnecessary things; rather it was to fit in or just out of stupidity. Relationships are one of those unnecessary things I’ve brought upon myself. I don’t know why I was so stuck on the idea of having a boyfriend when I was younger, looking back on it, it was really dumb. When I got in my first “relationship” I thought I was grown. Age wise I was an adult but mentally I was still a lil girl looking for love that’s been in my life since birth. I can’t explain why I was so head over hills for this young man who belonged to someone else. The things we went through together were self-inflicted. We put ourselves through so much pain and agony just to be separated 5 years later. I have no regrets though, everything I went through taught me something. I don’t know what made me feel like it was ok to play mistress at the age of 17. That to me was the start of all my relationship issues, I know I jumped from one relationship to another; this one came before the abuse. While I was in this love triangle, I experienced the worst kind of heartache, I was so young and naïve and I was also taken advantage of. He knew I didn’t know better but that’s what happens when you think you’re smart. We were “together” for 9 months. I was never taken on dates, I always came last. I was his piece on the side, and then the love came. He loved me because he knew I wasn’t going anywhere. He loved me because he knew my legs were open to him and only him while he gave his dick to everybody else. I can’t hold a grudge against him because I did it to myself; I let the sex take over my mind. Being as though I was young, it was easy to get lost in what I thought was love. I like to think this was the quiet before the storm. I was still searching. In my second relationship is where I was introduced to verbal, emotional, and physical abuse. He wasn’t abusive from the start; he was actually very sweet to me. However when you put two people together that are too young to even attempt to be in a stable relationship, you have issues. Even at the ages of 17 and 19, we were too young. At that point of time I thought being a good girl friend meant having sex with him when he wanted it, laying up with him at his mom house and getting out of bed in the wee hours of morning to go pick him up. I really thought those were my duties. We argued and fought, we really fought. First it started with harsh words but shortly after, we would start being physical. I have a bad mouth and short temper so sometimes I would hit him first but him being a man, he was way stronger. Every blow was followed by an apology and “I love you” I started feeling like that was expressed his love. (See blog entry titled “Knowing the Difference”) That wasn’t love. I learned a lot dealing with that situation, it had its pros and cons but I’m just happy we walked away from each other breathing because at the rate we were going, one of us would have been 6ft under. After my abusive relationship ended, I ran into the arms of multiple dudes, all of them offering me something different. I wanted to be loved but I didn’t want to end up hurt, I wanted a boyfriend but I didn’t want the damage that the title brought. I wanted to be taken out but I wanted to just go home afterwards. Those two relationships really scarred me, and it shows until this very day. My fears of being hurt stop me from letting people in my life. So if I let you in, it’s only for however long I want you to be around. It’s sad because now I really want the love of a boyfriend, but I’m not sure if I’m capable of giving it back. I have every day struggles, just like your typical 23 year old woman. I have health issues that trouble me every day but sometimes I don’t say anything because I don’t want anybody to worry about me. To be honest, I worry myself enough. There is always an ache or pain but I keep quiet. I don’t deal well with emotions anymore, I just try to cover up all my scars, even if it just last for a day or two. I’m still mourning the death of my grandmother, she died in July 2008. The relationship me and my grandmother had wasn’t the same as all of her grandchildren. I joked with her and said she didn’t like me because I was the darkest in the family loll, she’d tell me to shut up. truth is, I knew my granny loved me, she never showed me differently but I wish I would have took advantage of the time we had together. I wish I didn’t have that big argument with her before she got sick, I wish I could have apologized the right way. I made her a promise at her funeral; I told her I would do something with my life. I did. I went to Everest College for medical assistant and I graduated in November of 2011. When I walked across the stage, I saluted my family and I said a silent prayer to my granny. You see, I’m just like everyone else; I’m battling a battle with myself. I wish I knew exactly what I was put on earth to do but I don’t. All I can do is continuing living and doing what I feel. I write a lot, my writing is an escape from reality; my dro is the medicine to subside the pain. Nobody knows your struggle; some don’t even care to hear your story. You just sat and read a lil bit of mine and I appreciate it. I pray that it helps someone in the long run but in the meantime, I’m content with knowing I shared something about myself. KIERA TANAE THOMAS.

past & future , it scared him but it didnt stop him.

He sat and watched her. He watched her come in the room with just her bath towel. He admired her, sometimes he didn’t know why he admired her so much but that’s not what bothered him. The feelings were undeniable, she was irresistible, but her past, her past is what scared him. She sat on the bed, he watched her put on lotion, every flaw that she think she had, he’d never noticed. Smooth and beautiful, her skin, the color of milk chocolate. He admired her. She’d never lied to him about the things that happened in her past, that’s one reason he loved her. He watched her get off the bed, walk to the closet and grab her under garments. He chuckled, she rarely wore panties but tonight she chose a G. She had a cat on her lower back, a piece of her past. She had one on her upper back, another piece of her past now covered with tribal flowers. His eyes lingered on the tattoo, he wondered if she loved the man whose name she covered as much as she loved him. He never let insecurities get to him; he knew he had her heart. She had scars, ones you could see and the others were invisible but he’d seen them. Her breast scars, he admired them. To him, they showed how strong she was and what she’d been through. She caught him starring. He winked at her. She smiled. He loved her smile; it hid so many emotions but always showed happiness. Sometimes he thought he’d see a sparkle in her eye when she smiled at him. Her eyes were a normal brown color, they weren’t too big or too small, and the shape was perfect. All he ever seen was perfection when he looked at her. She chose a pair of jeans, they weren’t too tight, nor were they loose. He hardly ever thought about the men that touched her before him. It was her past. He’d watched her transform. He’d watched her grow. As much as her past scared him, her future with him didn’t cause many questions or concerns. When they met, she let him know every detail about her and what she’d been through, he accepted it because it was before him and he loved the person she was now. He sat and watched her put on her shirt, she had a thing for the t-shirt and jeans look, he chuckled at the thought of her saying “I’m a different kind of gal” her shirt was kind of snug; she looked in the mirror and back at him and pouted. He got up off the bed and walked up behind her, he touched where she pouted at. Their future. This woman allowed him to plant his seed in her body and he loved her for that. Her past no longer matter nor did it scare him because he knew he’d made the right decision by pursing her. The men of her past, covered with ink, didn’t bother her. The ring she wore on her now swollen hands, he put it there, the belly she had, and he did that too. She didn’t know what he was thinking this whole time while she got dressed, she loved when he looked at her. Her past scared her more than it could ever scare him, mainly because she was the one that experienced it. She loved this man though, she’d finally found her true soul mate, now she knew that the things that she went through was only making her strong for what she really deserved. He gave her the American dream.

she had to bury her child.

She had to bury her child. He was 7 pounds 3 ounces, head full of curly black hair with a smile on his face since he came out the womb. He was from the hood but not for the hood, moms had him shipped out of city limits for school since he started pre-k. Yea, he played with the neighborhood boys but he never got involved with the games they played (street wise) He just wanted to make it out for his family, like a lot of young men, he had sports dreams.
She was born in the early hours of March 12, 1995. Beautiful baby girl, those were the first words her mom used when the doctor put her on her chest. She grew up in the city of no secrets and danger, it intrigued her but at the same time, and it scared her. She was a smart girl, top of her class and a cheerleader on varsity. Her mother always taught her that all dreams can be turned into reality with just time and lots of hard work and dedication.
He had a girlfriend, unlike himself; she was from the hood and for the hood. We think that’s why he liked her so much; she was different from all the girls at his school. They were young but they felt like their love and bond was strong enough to go thru anything. He came home from school early, he wasn’t feeling well. A part of him wanted nothing more than to be near his girl but he couldn’t find her.
She never really cared too much for the guys from around her way; she knew that they were more trouble than pleasure so she stayed away. So she thought. Whoever knew they’d catch her while walking home from cheer practice. Being the nice girl she was, she conversed with them because she knew their faces from around her house. The last thing she thought was that those would be the last faces she’d see.
He called his girlfriend, multiple times. Knowing she didn’t go to school that day, he couldn’t understand why she wasn’t answering until he seen her pull up in front of her house, in the car with another dude. Dude looked him square in the eye, as if he knew what he’d just done. Her face was blank. She was caught. Unable to move, she stayed in the car as she looked at her boyfriend look at her.
All she could do was sit and recite her cheers in her head while they drove her to who knows where; she was blind folded and in the back of what seemed to be a van of some kind. She cried, asked them to please let her go. “You one of those bougie broads, you think you too good for a city nigga huh?” she had no idea what he meant by that, she was FROM the city, born and raised. She silently prayed, the van stopped. They yanked her bag off her, she shivered. Unable to hold back anymore, she broke down and begged them to let her go.
She got out the car and tried to keep her composure as she walked up to her door step, seeing her boyfriend sitting there, visibly hurt, she didn’t know what to say or do. Dude was still in the car, parked where he’d pulled up at. Wondering why he hadn’t drove off; Dude sat there and looked with a smirk on his face. HE asked her why he was still there, she didn’t know why. He wasn’t a fighter but this was plain disrespect, but his beef was with his girlfriend, not dude. They argued, dude sat, watched and chuckled. They went in her house, they argued more and more. HE wasn’t the type to hit a female so he walked out, he wanted to go home.
They didn’t let her go; they dragged her in the house. She screamed but her screams were muffled by the rag tied around her face. She felt someone touch her leg, she kicked. The next thing she knew, her face was burning, and someone had a lighter and was burning her skin. “you still too good for us?” she cried, she could barely breathe, she felt a hand go up her leg, she kicked, this time she felt a blow to her face. Unable to cry because it hurt that bad, she silently prayed for god to just take her now. She felt a hand on her panties, she kicked. BOOM! Another blow to the face.
He walked out her house, slammed the door. He was moreorless hurt by what she had just told him so he didn’t pay attention to the fact that dude was still sitting there watching. He looked up, tears in his eyes, he was stuck. Two men came from around the car, and the driver got out. He wasn’t a punk but he wasn’t a fool neither. He tried to turn around and run, one to his left leg, no more football. He still tried to run, he felt burning in his lower back. He fell to the ground, a female voice said “turn over” he knew the voice, he turned and seen her face, in her hand was a gun, 9mm. Behind her stood the three dudes. “You said you’ll never leave me, I love you, I messed up but I LOVE YOU” before he could mutter a reply, he woke up in a place he had only heard about in church.
“Another tragedy in the city of Compton tonight”, said the news lady. “A 17 year old female was found badly beaten, burned and raped tonight in an abandon house on the 1100 block of Amsterdam ave. The victim name has not been released yet because authorities are still looking into the brutal killing.” “Authorities say the young girl was last seen walking home from school when she was approached by a group of young men, authorities do not have any suspects in custody at the time , if you have any information about this killing please call your local police department.”
“My son wanted to be a professional athlete; he was a talented, loving young man. Everyone who came in contact with him would say the same. These senseless murders have to stop, my son wasn’t hurting anyone, and he didn’t deserve this. If you know anything about who did this to my baby, PLEASE contact the police, justice must be served.” News reporter: “as you can see, this has been a terrible loss for the family of this young man, he is said to had wanted to be in the pro’s, he recently got his first letter from college, he was known as a happy, helping young man. His girlfriend is actually wanted for questioning so if you have any information, please contact authorities.” She had to bury her child.

a dip into REALITY

Some people like the sympathy from others, they like to get their heads rubbed and told everything is going to be ok. She didn’t grow up rough, nope not at all. Sheltered is what she really was, her entire life until an untimely death that left her whole family in shambles. The glue that held the family together had just passed, what was any of them going to do? Go on with life to the best of their abilities and never let the legacy of their “glue” die. They all tried to do exactly that, except her. Truth is, the “glue” raised her since birth, stepped in where her mother couldn’t, but only because of her own selfish ways. She didn’t know what to do after she heard the news, she felt as if she was the only one that felt the pain but the truth is, the whole family felt it. Everyone grieves in their own way. She chose to act out. Hanging out late, around the common thugs, having intercourse with who knows, and being very disrespectful towards everyone. Excuses after excuses, tears after tears. She’d mess up, go off, then apologize and ask for forgiveness from her family. They all cried with her because they cared. She went through a very tragic life threatening event, one that would slow down any fast tail female. It calmed her down for a while but then she developed this “it’s me against the world” type attitude. Through it all, she had her times of saying FUCK FAMILY, as if they weren’t the ones always there for her when the world turned its back. The things she went through and put herself through became unbearable for certain family member; a lot of them washed their hands of her due to the disrespect. She did certain things, said certain things, switched up personalities very often and then she would try to apologize for it. It became a cycle. A very bad cycle. Everyone became immune to her nonsense. At the end of all her antics, there was one family member that stood up for her, no matter what. Until recently, the family member decided not to cry for her anymore, she could no longer take up for the dumb decisions she chose to make, playing the victim got old and she couldn’t take it anymore. There’s not a known feeling that is worse than the one you feel when you are washing your hands of someone you love soooo much. I know SHE has to learn from her own mistakes but due to the fact that I blamed MYSELF for most of her mistakes, I blamed myself. I blamed myself instead of blaming her absent mother, absent by choice; she lives within city limits and does nothing to help this young girl. Another one that believes the world owes them something because of HER choices and lack of good judgment. When my grandmother passed away, her mother was supposed to step in and do her duties but she didn’t. Like mother, like child, they both acted as if the death of our GLUE only bothered them. I guess the selfish ways of a mother does rub off on her seeds. YET, I blamed myself until last night. I will no longer carry this burden, I cannot. With that being said, I’m washing my hands of the whole situation, you think those FRIENDS got your back; let’s see how long they stay there. Cry for her if you want to, SHE won’t get any more of my tears.

Should I take that serious?

I'm sure I'm not the only female that hears men say certain things and be like , "wait,?shoukd i take that serious?" ok I knew I Wasn't alone . I believe that men sometime say shit just because they think we as females wanna hear it when in reality, we just wanna hear the truth. Like instead of filling her head with bullshit that you'll soon regret, fill it with the truth. On numerous occasions I've been bamboozled by dudes and their lies , I know I'm not the only one so stfu and fix your face. For instance, I was talking to a man , well a boy, well a man bc of his age and a boy bc of his actions. We talked for months , everything seemed coo, well it was coo on my end. I feel like I was good to him while he was away. Tried to brighten his days while he was away with emails and pics or whatnot, even took time outta my life to send a package. Everything was really good, up until he came home. BOOOM! Everything changed drastically. I was overly excited about him coming home near my birthday bc I've never had anyone to spend my birthday with and being as though I'm getting older, I feel like it'd be a good time. NOPE. DIDN'T HAPPEN. he arrived, I didn't see em, valentines day came, I made sure he got his gift but did I get anything in return? NOPE. not even a happy Valentines day wish from em, I guess he was that busy with his grandmother on valentines day. Yea same face I made but I'm not gone hound a man to do what men do so I got over valentines day, my birthday was next. Yea well I never seen em on my birday, his haircut was way more important than seeing me before I left the state for a few days. Riiiiiiiighht. Pure bullshit. That's why I'm like , should I take that serious? I took every word he ever spoke of wrote to me serious, I made sure he felt how I would wanna feel when talking to someone. The I miss you messages and yea we gone hang out messages quickly ended bc why? Ooooooooooooooh let's see.... Idk lol I do know the nights when he wasn't keepin his word and spending time with me were spent with other ppl , yes bitches. But no hard feelings, this was just another lesson on why I shouldn't take you serious . :) I just wAnt the truth from ppl, it's like men say a lotta unnecessary shit when they can just keep it real and get to the point, don't bullshit ppl into thinking you feel a certain way knowing you don't. It's 2012, most females just wanna fuck too. IJS

Whatever you wanna call it

I'm lost, i thought maybe just maybe this time something would happen and work out for the best , maybe I'm calling a spade a spade too soon or maybe this is a fucked up situation. This was suppose to be our time to go against all odds and do us finally. Maybe I was a fool for putting all my eggs in one basket but it was such a good strong basket smh. I was reluctant at first, I didn't even wanna see you and as soon as I let my guard down, boom! Feelings came back full force, I thought it was our time, you laid with me, you held me, you kissed me like you always wanted to, but the whole time you knew something was up. I wish I woulda known, I woulda kept my guard up . 9 whole years of off and Ons, I fell in some type of love with you, you'd never hurt me until now and maybe I'm being selfish bc you're hurting too but if we're both hurting , why not be there for eachother? This shit hurts , nobody will ever understand the pain that one text message caused, caught me completely off guard and I have no choice but to respect it and let it go but if this is my karma from years ago when I hurt you unintentionally , I'm so sorry. I see how it feels and I'm so sorry . I can't even type nomore