😁😕😑

I'm not sure what exactly this feeling is but I know it makes my heart flutter. I sometimes tremble when it comes over me, it's like at that very second, you're in my presence but in reality, it's your spirit surrounding me. It becomes hard for me to speak, I can barely even think. My mind is so clouded with the questions that have gone unanswered , the things left unsaid, it's getting really bad. The negative is starting to overshadow the positive shit. It's this part of building a relationship I wish I could skip 

The Blessing in the Lesson

The Blessing In The LESSON 

By: Kiera Thomas

“Lance, hurry the hospital is on the phone!” my mom’s voice echoed through the entire house. I jolted outta my sleep when I heard the word HOSPITAL. It was time! It was finally time! I hurriedly slipped on my sweats and t-shirt I laid out last night when I got to my mom house. “Lance!!!!” her piercing voice reminded me why I moved out when I turned eighteen. I’d only come back because Karisha was close to being due and I was tired of commuting back and forth from the valley. She’d had two false alarms this month, I honestly believed she was doing it for attention but my mom told me not to think like that. Shit, if she knew who I was dealing with, she would’ve thought the same thing. “Here I come ma”, I yelled as I slipped on my Nike slippers and headed to her bedroom. When I walked in the door, she was still in the bed with her scarf tied weird on her head; it looked like it was coming off due to her reckless sleepy habits. “Hold on one second, he’s right here”, she said as she snarled at me. I chuckled and took the phone from her. “Hello Mr. Jones, this is LT. Thomas from the correctional facility. Inmate Karisha Gower is in labor and on her way to the hospital, please meet us there so you can fill out proper paperwork.” My heart almost bounced out of my chest, my baby was finally on his way. “Yes, Ma’am, I’ll meet you guys there”. With that, I hung up the phone and my legs felt like noodles. I stood at the foot of my mom bed, holding the phone and looking into space. “Lance, what’s wrong?” my mom asked, snapping me out of my daze. “The baby on his way”, I replied. At the moment my legs completely went out. It was surreal. I felt my mom sit up in the bed, she began rubbing my back, “Baby you got this, believe me, you got this!” she assured me. I looked up at her with tears in my eyes, “I’ll be all he’s got, I can’t let him down ma, and I don’t know if I can do it.” She paused and looked at me like I was out of my mind, “Lance Jamaal Jones, I did not raise no punks! I didn’t raise a deadbeat! I raised a smart, powerful KING. You will be just fine baby, and you got me and Rocky if you get overwhelmed”. She looked at me and I nodded my head, “Okay now go get my grandbaby, you want me to come?” she asked. I didn’t want to seem like a punk but shit I needed the support and Rocky was at work. “Please ma”, she smiled at me and said, “Okay lemme unwrap my hair and throw something on, go brush your mouth though, it’s funky”. We both cracked up laughing. I love my mother, she is always there when I need her the most and I knew I would need her so much more in the days, shit, the years coming. 

Karisha

“Ma’am, you’re going to start pushing in a few minutes, are you ready?”, the nurse was too happy for my likings though. I’m happy my baby is about to make his debut into this cold ass world but its also bittersweet. I wouldn’t have anytime with my son, I heard as soon as he comes out, they take him from me. I wont be able to hold him or tell him I love him, and its all my fault. So I wasn’t in the happy cheery mood to push when the nurse said it was time. “Come on Karisha…1…2…3…PUUUSHHH”, I swear I felt every piece of my womanhood tear, I couldn’t even cry it hurt so bad. “Arrrghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh”, I tried to push him out with one push, this pushing shit is for the birds, I thought to myself. “Okay Karisha, his head is out, give me one more big push, lets go!!”, this time it was the doctor who was too happy. I looked down at him and rolled my eyes and took a deep breath. “AAAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGGGGGH OH MY FUCKIN GOSH!!!!!”,and with that last push, my son was born. The doctor pulled him out of me and laid him across my chest, I looked to my left to see if it was okay to touch him, the nurse nodded “yes”.

My heart broke the minute I looked into his eyes, he looked nothing like Stanley and every bit of Baby Ragg. His slanted eyes were the size of fishbowls, something he clearly inherited from his father. I rubbed my fingers through the big sandy brown curls in his hair. His nose was identical to mine and his lips were a mixture of both his parents. I felt the tears forming in my eyes as the nurse lifted him off my chest. I watched as she walked him over to the incubator to take his weight and length. “7 pounds 4 ounces, 18 inches long”, she yelled so the other nurse could write it down. “Nice healthy baby boy”, the doctor chimed in. I tried to give him a smile now, I could barely muster a smile but I tried. I tried to move around in the bed but I remembered my wrist was cuffed to the rail. I let out a deep sigh and closed my eyes. “Ms. Gower, do you have a name for this young man?”, the nurse asked as she walked back over to me holding a birth certificate. I’d really been thinking hard about a name for my baby, a huge piece of me wanted to name him after his “father” , Stanley, but after looking at him, the truth was finally revealed.  “Lesson, his name is Lesson Williams”, I told the nurse. She smiled at me and walked away. I continued laying there and to my surprise, they brought Lesson back to me. He was clean now, with his hospital beanie on, wrapped in his blanket. I held him and searched his face for all the answers I needed, I knew he couldn’t speak so when I heard the deep baritone, it caught me completely off-guard.

When I looked up from my son, it was his father who locked eyes with me. I was stuck, I didn’t know what to say or do, I just sat there with my head down. He had an older women with him, he looked just like her so I figured it was his mother. “How are you?”, he asked in a sincere tone, which surprised me. “I’m….. well …. Shit I don’t know”, I replied honestly. I didn’t know how I felt, I knew I felt kind of empty and pissed, knowing he was there to take my baby from me. He walked closer to the bed and sat at the foot, looking behind him, he said, “Oh Karisha, this is my mom, Ms. Valerie. Mom this is… Karisha”. I gave a weak smile, I really didn’t have enough energy to be as cheery as they probably expected me to be. “Hi Ms. Valerie, Nice to meet you, I hate that it has to be like this”, I said as I lifted my arm that was cuffed to the bedrail. “Everything happens for a reason, nice to meet you too”, im not sure if she had an attitude but something about her tone wasn’t too enthused. 

Dear Self,

Let's do some self reflecting yea? 

I went backwards. I can't believe I actually fucking did it! I'm so mad at myself because in my mind, I was doing good. I was at peace with everything around me for once. But I became vulnerable, I needed that attention, that spark of interest. I shouldn't have went backwards, I was doing so good. Now I start over again, start fresh and this time I can't look back. I was afraid people were going to stop fuckin with me but now I don't even care. Reality hit me again and the same type of boys are approaching me. They see a pretty face and vulnerability because I want something so bad. But then I cover that up with "I just wanna fuck". It's a defense mechanism I guess... One that isn't really helping at all. I refuse thought, I refuse to let another man touch me without loving me. As of December 4,2014 , I am celibate. NOTHING IS GOING TO CHANGE THAT NO TIME SOON. When I feel weak, I will write. When I want attention, I will write. When I want conversation from someone in my past, i will write. I have to live like I want to help younger girls, I can't help them if I'm still acting reckless. 

A change is coming...

My Open Letter

Dear Peers, 

My name is Kiera Thomas and this is my open letter. 

I am 25 years old, no kids, and to most, I have no worries. I do have worries though, I just can't let myself stress about all of them at once. I decided to write this letter because it was on my heart for so long, I believe God put it there. I do as I am told. Not too sure where to start but I know I have a lot to say.

Recently, I accomplished one of my biggest dreams, I became a published author and my debut novel is doing pretty well. I am humble above everything and thankful too. But of course, there are some people who rather bring up the past rather than concentrate on the present and future. So for that reason, I've decided to TELL ALL. no I'm not doing it for attention, I get enough of that, wanted or unwanted on a daily. As a writer I feel like you aren't suppose to hold back. 

Let's go back about a decade or so. I was a teenager, my body was changing, my hormones were raging and the people around me were finally giving me attention. I took full advantage of that, what high school girl wouldn't? I attended artesia high and Dominguez high as well. While at Artesia, my virginity was taken from me, no I wasn't raped physically but I was mentally and physically taken advantage of. I thought he loved me, everyone else knew he didn't. He told me if I didn't give it up, he would never speak to me again. Being naive, I loss my virginity on a dead end in seal beach. It wasn't romantic at all, there were limited to no feelings on his part and I was confused and wanted badly to please him. After this incident, he felt cool enough to tell the boys at school. I endured weeks of laughter behind my back and a few rude remarks to my face. Guys who I thought were my friends approached me and asked me "why you give it up to a white boy, it was suppose to be me". They thought it was funny, he thought it was cool and I was left hiding in classrooms during school. I left Artesia soon after that and checked into Dominguez. Being as how I was fresh meat to the guys there, a few tried their luck, I fell for two that just so happened to be best friends. I know, that's not a good luck and I didn't mean for it to happen. Good guy, bad boy were the rolls they played. I played mistress to the bad boy but the good boy played me, which lead me into the arms of the bad boy. I really believe that's where my reputation became bad. When both of those ended, I moved around the D, got a boyfriend and eventually went back to Artesia to graduate. 

After high school and those heartache's and breaks, my mentality went from good girl to bag girl. I developed an attitude, I no longer cared about what ppl had to say about me. I hated the double standard that guys could do things that girls couldn't so I did it all. I talked to whoever and did whatever I wanted to do and dared anyone to say anything to me. My mom warned me about my reputation following me but I ignored her because I thought I knew it all. I wasn't until recently that I took heed to her words. I thought being known was cute, cool and the thing to do but it ain't. Because of the things I did back then, it's hard for men to take me serious now. My message to all young girls is :

Keep your SEX, if he loves you, he will wait. Don't homie hop, 9/10 that other homie that seems to be interested how his other homie wasn't, really don't want shit but the sex and things you gave his homie. Finish school, concentrate on your studies and stay away from the people who rather see you living dirty than glamorous. Be a great example if you have younger siblings, believe me they watch your every move. 

I can sit and blame ppl for my actions but that's not me. I did everything bc I wanted to and I've learned my lesson. Don't be a hard head and learn on your own, it's not always good to do that. Take heed to the advice given to you by the people who love you. 

Let's dead some rumors :

Kiera is a hoe. 

No Kiera isn't a hoe, contrary to what is said and believed, I have less bodies than ppl like to put on me.

Kiera talks that no babies stuff but has had a million abortions.

Wrong again, ONE abortion and I can bang that.

There's more but those two haunt me.

I am not the scorn black girl, I am not. I am now completely comfortable in my skin. I am achieving things girls my age aren't even concerned about. I take so much pride in my craft and my ambition is what keeps me going. This was just my open letter to let people know that a person can change. So when you feel like digging up my past, throwing dirt on my name, or just talking negative about me period, make sure you tell em:

She beat major odds, she stuck to her guns, she fell but she got up and

 SHES ON HER SHIT!  

Freestyle September'14

They always say, " don't let your past dictate your future" 

I honestly repeat that line

In my head,

All the time.

When I look behind me,

There's nothing good,

When I look in front of me,

I see everything I should.

No other man has ever taken the time to get to know my mind,

Their main concern is gripping my waist and trailing their fingers down my spine. 

But with you,

It's different.

My past left me with so many unanswered questions,

Questions that you answer with no extra questions asked

You've never caused a tear to fall,

You answer every time I call.

So understand that this is new to me,

It's something about you,

Idk what you do to me.

My past dictated my future for so long,

Out of habit,

I kept going backwards 

Eventhough I knew it was wrong 

You're my present 

And indeed you're a present to me

I'll never look back at my past again

Bc I know there's a king in front of me. 

Revised . Lacey

Lacey

 

"You have a collect call from an inmate at...do you accept" my heart skipped beats, id been waiting for Lacey to call for a few days now. "Please press ..." I knew what to press.

 

"Hello?" Lacey was barely audible.

"Are you okay? Where are you! What the fuck really happened" I felt my voice going above it's normal monotone to damn near a yell.

 

"I'm okay, I'm okay, I'm in Carson" Lacey began to speak but I cut her off. "what the fuck happened Lacey, why are you there yet Chance trifling ass is still walking around!!" I was yelling now. I was sitting on the couch but now I found myself pacing the floor in the den of our home. A home id shared with Lacey and my sisters for a few years now.

 

"I had brass knuckles in my purse, that's a felony but you know why I carry em. They didn't take Chance because they were my brass knuckles."

 

Lacey's voice trailed off as I found myself zoning out. I knew why Lacey carried brass knuckles but I still didn't understand why she was the only one in jail. Chance was an unlicensed driver with warrants , gang file entries and I'm sure there was weed in the car when they got pulled over.  

 

"Hello!" Lacey said into the receiver. I snapped out of my daydream.

 

"I'm here. Well are you okay? When do you go to court?" I asked.

 

"I mean I'm as good as I can be, have you seen Chance?" I immediately got heated.

 

"Why the fuck are you worried about a nigga that let you go to jail? He could've said they were his! He didn't even want to tell us what happened to you! TF!!" I felt myself trembling.

 

Chance wasn't going to tell us that Lacey was arrested had my niece not asked him. I honestly believe he didn't give a fuck.

 

"He does care, when you see him tell him I go to court on Tuesday..."

 

"I'm not telling him shit, he can look it up since he cares so much" I yelled at Lacey. To be so smart, this girl was losing her noodles and fast.

 

"well I have to go now, I'll be home soon" she hung up without saying goodbye. I'd pissed her off, I'm sure of it but I don't care because that's really how I felt.

 

I sat there for a minute with the cordless phone in my lap, just thinking about Lacey and the dumb ass choices she had been making lately. I was at wits end with it, people don't realize they hurt the closes to them when they did shit like this.

 

Just as I was about to go tell my aunt that I spoke to Lacey, there was a knock on the front door. I walked down the hallway, still fuming from my conversation with Lacey but I swear I became even more pissed when I seen who was standing on the other side of the door. Looking dirty and dusty as usual, Chance stood with his back facing the door, I knew it was him from his lack of haircut, typical dirty nigga shit. I clenched my fist around the cordless phone I held, when I opened the door it took everything in me not kick him in his fucking back.

 

I opened the door, he turned to face me. He must've noticed the fucked up look I was giving because almost immediately he began to apologize . "I'm so sorry Cuh, I didn't know they were gonna take her" I just stood there and looked at the butter between his teeth as he spoke. I hoped like hell he didn't think I was going to feed into his sob ass story.

 

"What do you want?" I said as I stood with one hand on my hip. Mentally praying he didn't say the wrong thing because everything in me wanted to kick his ass.

 

"Oh it's like that?" Chance said with a smirk on his face. That made me even madder.

 

"You think this shit is smirk worthy you pathetic ass nigga? This shit is a joke to you huh? You "girlfriend" is in fucking jail and you wanna come over her with a sad ass apology? How bout to go apologize to a bails bondsman and get her TF out!" Chance just stood there looking stupid and angry at the same time. I noticed him clenching his fist.

 

"Oh so you gone hit me? Muthafucka I wish the fuck you might try! I'm not Lacey! I know niiggas that's waiting to get in yo dirty ass! So by all means, hit me! " I looks at him as if he was less than the piece of shit he was.

 

"Have you talked to her cuh?", he spoke through gritted teeth. I guess I was suppose to be intimidated. I laughed, I laughed hard right in his face.

 

"Get the fuck off my property nigga" and I slammed the door in his face. I walked back down the hallway and into the den where my aunt was sitting now.

 

"Who was that at the door Cherish?" She asked me. I guess she heard the commotion.

 

"That was chance dirty ass, asking if I talked to Lacey" my auntie rolled her eyes, she hadn't gave a fuck about Chance since he'd put his hands on Lacey, something I don't think Lacey fully recovered from but for some reason, she went right back to him.

 

"So what did Lacey say happened", my auntie nostrils flared, I knew all of this infuriated her more than anyone else. My auntie had basically raised Lacey after the passing of "mema" , that's what we called our grandmother. Lacey's mom fell a victim to the streets, basically leaving Lacey and her older siblings to be raised by MeMa.

 

"She said they took her because she had brass knuckles in her possession and that's a deadly weapon. She's looking at a felony charge." I took a deep breath, I felt like the walls were closing in on me.

 

"Lord, where we go wrong with that girl? She had all the love in the world but she wants to be bad so damn bad" I could hear the cry in my auntie voice, which pissed me off almost instantly. I hated that my family had to deal with the constant pain from Lacey’s poor decisions.

 

“I don’t know auntie, I really just don’t know. I thought maybe I could talk some sense into her but shes stubborn as hell, cant nobody tell Lacey anything, she knows it all.” I began to walk back towards my room, I need to smoke before I went crazy. What the hell am I going to do, I thought to myself. I don’t know why but I felt responsible for Lacey and all her issues, eventhough I knew first hand I wasn’t to blame.

 

 

 

 

 

 

7 years before…..

 

​Still mourning the death of MEMA, we all sat in the front room of her house, like we would always do. It was different this time though, nobody said a word, we all just looked around helplessly. Everyone was accounted for, except for my little cousin Lacey. Nobody had seen or heard from her since she left for school this morning, this was becoming a normal thing these days.

​My name is Cherish, Cherish Campell to be precise. I am 19 years old, the second oldest daughter of Brenda, and middle grandchild of MEMA. My mema  was a very loving lady, although she had a different way of showing her love for us, we knew she loved us. Mema was the glue to the family, she held us together, without her, I don’t know how we would’ve turned out. Mema had 3 daughters and 1 son, being as how she was a grandmorhter, she had to pick up the slack for one of her daughters, Tanya. Tanya was the oldest daughter, my mom, Brenda coming second and the baby girl , Stephanie. My uncle was rarely around or in our lives for that matter so he really has little significance in this story. ​

​My eldest aunt, Tanya, grew up in the “drug era” and of course, she tried a few and ended up getting hooked. Mema never gave up on Tanya though, picking up where she left off, Mema had custody of most of Tanya kids. Tanya didn’t really give a fuck about responsibilities, she was just worried about the next hit and how she was going to get it. You’re probably asking yourself, “Why does she seem so heartless while talking about her aunt?”, ill tell you why though. I watched for YEARS how Mema would take care of Tanya and her kids, literally. Tanya didn’t have any worries because she knew Mema would be there when she couldn’t.

​Tanya had been in and out of jail, rehab twice and still managed to be on drugs. Given birth to 5 kids in total, Tanya only had custody of one, Lil Charles. Mema had custody and raised the other 4 as her own, Terrance , Keisha, Brandon and Lacey were all raised under the same roof , Mema’s roof of course. My grandmother did it with ease though, you could never tell that something was bothering her, she always kept her poker face on. I cant say Mema struggled because she would never show weakness, it wasn’t until she got sick that I started see how much stress was on her.

​Mema was diagnosed with Pancreotic Cancer and nobody knew too much about the disease and by the time we learned about it, it was too late. Mema was already too far gone so the doctors sent her home so that she could be comfortable. Lacey, being the closes to Mema because she was a baby when the courts handed her over to Mema, took it extremely hard. It was a downward spiral for Lacey and her behavior after Mema took her last breath. It all happened so fast and nobody could understand why or what to do about it. She began to rebel, horribly, and she didn’t care how it effected any of us in the family.

 

“I haven’t talked to her since she left for school this morning, and that was at like 7:10am”, I told my aunt Stephanie as I sat in Mema’s big rocking chair in the livingroom. It was now 8:30pm, and nobody had any idea as to where Lacey could be. Everyone looked at me like I had the answers they needed. Yes, I was the closes to Lacey but I had no idea where she could be, I was worried just like everyone else.  

 

“You sure you haven’t talked to her?”, Terrance, my oldest cousin, asked as he sat across from me on the loveseat. Instantly my attitude went from bad to worse. I didn’t hate Terrance but he was just so mean and he didn’t seem like he really cared about us so I didn’t know why he was acting now. As a big brother, he was suppose to know what was going on his baby sister life but of course, he didn’t.

 

I rolled my eyes and said, “Yes im sure!”. My auntie Stephanie mustve felt the heat coming from me, because she jumped in. 

“Well the police should be here any minute”. 

We all looked at her, “The police”, we all said at the same time. “Yes the police, im filing a missing persons report, I don’t care if she aint been gone for 48 hours, this aint like Lacey.” She was clearly standing firm with he decision to get the police involved.

 

 

Lacey "Lost and Turned Out"

Lacey

"You have a collect call from an inmate at...do you accept" my heart skipped beats, id been waiting for Lacey to call for a few days now. "Please press ..." I knew what to press. 

"Hello?" Lacey was barely audible. 

"Are you okay? Where are you! What the fuck really happened" I felt my voice going above it's normal monotone to damn near a yell. 

"I'm okay, I'm okay, I'm in Carson" Lacey began to speak but I cut her off. "what the fuck happened Lacey, why are you there yet Chance trifling ass is still walking around!!" I was yelling now. I was sitting on the couch but now I found myself pacing the floor in the den of our home. A home id shared with Lacey and my sisters for a few years now. 

"I had brass knuckles in my purse, that's a felony but you know why I carry em. They didn't take Chance because they were my brass knuckles."

 Lacey's voice trailed off as I found myself zoning out. I knew why Lacey carried brass knuckles but I still didn't understand why she was the only one in jail. Chance was an unlicensed driver with warrants , gang file entries and I'm sure there was weed in the car when they got pulled over. 

"Hello!" Lacey said into the receiver. I snapped out of my daydream. 

"I'm here. Well are you okay? When do you go to court?" I asked.

"I mean I'm as good as I can be, have you seen Chance?" I immediately got heated. 

"Why the fuck are you worried about a nigga that let you go to jail? He could've said they were his! He didn't even want to tell us what happened to you! TF!!" I felt myself trembling. 

Chance wasn't going to tell us that Lacey was arrested had my niece not asked him. I honestly believe he didn't give a fuck. 

"He does care, when you see him tell him I go to court on Tuesday..." 

"I'm not telling him shit, he can look it up since he cares so much" I yelled at Lacey. To be so smart, this girl was losing her noodles and fast. 

"well I have to go now, I'll be home soon" she hung up without saying goodbye. I'd pissed her off, I'm sure of it but I don't care because that's really how I felt. 

I sat there for a minute with the cordless phone in my lap, just thinking about Lacey and the dumb ass choices she had been making lately. I was at wits end with it, people don't realize they hurt the closes to them when they did shit like this. 

Just as I was about to go tell my aunt that I spoke to Lacey, there was a knock on the front door. I walked down the hallway, still fuming from my conversation with Lacey but I swear I became even more pissed when I seen who was standing on the other side of the door. Looking dirty and dusty as usual, Chance stood with his back facing the door, I knew it was him from his lack of haircut, typical dirty nigga shit. I clenched my fist around the cordless phone I held, when I opened the door it took everything in me not kick him in his fucking back.