past & future , it scared him but it didnt stop him.

He sat and watched her. He watched her come in the room with just her bath towel. He admired her, sometimes he didn’t know why he admired her so much but that’s not what bothered him. The feelings were undeniable, she was irresistible, but her past, her past is what scared him. She sat on the bed, he watched her put on lotion, every flaw that she think she had, he’d never noticed. Smooth and beautiful, her skin, the color of milk chocolate. He admired her. She’d never lied to him about the things that happened in her past, that’s one reason he loved her. He watched her get off the bed, walk to the closet and grab her under garments. He chuckled, she rarely wore panties but tonight she chose a G. She had a cat on her lower back, a piece of her past. She had one on her upper back, another piece of her past now covered with tribal flowers. His eyes lingered on the tattoo, he wondered if she loved the man whose name she covered as much as she loved him. He never let insecurities get to him; he knew he had her heart. She had scars, ones you could see and the others were invisible but he’d seen them. Her breast scars, he admired them. To him, they showed how strong she was and what she’d been through. She caught him starring. He winked at her. She smiled. He loved her smile; it hid so many emotions but always showed happiness. Sometimes he thought he’d see a sparkle in her eye when she smiled at him. Her eyes were a normal brown color, they weren’t too big or too small, and the shape was perfect. All he ever seen was perfection when he looked at her. She chose a pair of jeans, they weren’t too tight, nor were they loose. He hardly ever thought about the men that touched her before him. It was her past. He’d watched her transform. He’d watched her grow. As much as her past scared him, her future with him didn’t cause many questions or concerns. When they met, she let him know every detail about her and what she’d been through, he accepted it because it was before him and he loved the person she was now. He sat and watched her put on her shirt, she had a thing for the t-shirt and jeans look, he chuckled at the thought of her saying “I’m a different kind of gal” her shirt was kind of snug; she looked in the mirror and back at him and pouted. He got up off the bed and walked up behind her, he touched where she pouted at. Their future. This woman allowed him to plant his seed in her body and he loved her for that. Her past no longer matter nor did it scare him because he knew he’d made the right decision by pursing her. The men of her past, covered with ink, didn’t bother her. The ring she wore on her now swollen hands, he put it there, the belly she had, and he did that too. She didn’t know what he was thinking this whole time while she got dressed, she loved when he looked at her. Her past scared her more than it could ever scare him, mainly because she was the one that experienced it. She loved this man though, she’d finally found her true soul mate, now she knew that the things that she went through was only making her strong for what she really deserved. He gave her the American dream.

she had to bury her child.

She had to bury her child. He was 7 pounds 3 ounces, head full of curly black hair with a smile on his face since he came out the womb. He was from the hood but not for the hood, moms had him shipped out of city limits for school since he started pre-k. Yea, he played with the neighborhood boys but he never got involved with the games they played (street wise) He just wanted to make it out for his family, like a lot of young men, he had sports dreams.
She was born in the early hours of March 12, 1995. Beautiful baby girl, those were the first words her mom used when the doctor put her on her chest. She grew up in the city of no secrets and danger, it intrigued her but at the same time, and it scared her. She was a smart girl, top of her class and a cheerleader on varsity. Her mother always taught her that all dreams can be turned into reality with just time and lots of hard work and dedication.
He had a girlfriend, unlike himself; she was from the hood and for the hood. We think that’s why he liked her so much; she was different from all the girls at his school. They were young but they felt like their love and bond was strong enough to go thru anything. He came home from school early, he wasn’t feeling well. A part of him wanted nothing more than to be near his girl but he couldn’t find her.
She never really cared too much for the guys from around her way; she knew that they were more trouble than pleasure so she stayed away. So she thought. Whoever knew they’d catch her while walking home from cheer practice. Being the nice girl she was, she conversed with them because she knew their faces from around her house. The last thing she thought was that those would be the last faces she’d see.
He called his girlfriend, multiple times. Knowing she didn’t go to school that day, he couldn’t understand why she wasn’t answering until he seen her pull up in front of her house, in the car with another dude. Dude looked him square in the eye, as if he knew what he’d just done. Her face was blank. She was caught. Unable to move, she stayed in the car as she looked at her boyfriend look at her.
All she could do was sit and recite her cheers in her head while they drove her to who knows where; she was blind folded and in the back of what seemed to be a van of some kind. She cried, asked them to please let her go. “You one of those bougie broads, you think you too good for a city nigga huh?” she had no idea what he meant by that, she was FROM the city, born and raised. She silently prayed, the van stopped. They yanked her bag off her, she shivered. Unable to hold back anymore, she broke down and begged them to let her go.
She got out the car and tried to keep her composure as she walked up to her door step, seeing her boyfriend sitting there, visibly hurt, she didn’t know what to say or do. Dude was still in the car, parked where he’d pulled up at. Wondering why he hadn’t drove off; Dude sat there and looked with a smirk on his face. HE asked her why he was still there, she didn’t know why. He wasn’t a fighter but this was plain disrespect, but his beef was with his girlfriend, not dude. They argued, dude sat, watched and chuckled. They went in her house, they argued more and more. HE wasn’t the type to hit a female so he walked out, he wanted to go home.
They didn’t let her go; they dragged her in the house. She screamed but her screams were muffled by the rag tied around her face. She felt someone touch her leg, she kicked. The next thing she knew, her face was burning, and someone had a lighter and was burning her skin. “you still too good for us?” she cried, she could barely breathe, she felt a hand go up her leg, she kicked, this time she felt a blow to her face. Unable to cry because it hurt that bad, she silently prayed for god to just take her now. She felt a hand on her panties, she kicked. BOOM! Another blow to the face.
He walked out her house, slammed the door. He was moreorless hurt by what she had just told him so he didn’t pay attention to the fact that dude was still sitting there watching. He looked up, tears in his eyes, he was stuck. Two men came from around the car, and the driver got out. He wasn’t a punk but he wasn’t a fool neither. He tried to turn around and run, one to his left leg, no more football. He still tried to run, he felt burning in his lower back. He fell to the ground, a female voice said “turn over” he knew the voice, he turned and seen her face, in her hand was a gun, 9mm. Behind her stood the three dudes. “You said you’ll never leave me, I love you, I messed up but I LOVE YOU” before he could mutter a reply, he woke up in a place he had only heard about in church.
“Another tragedy in the city of Compton tonight”, said the news lady. “A 17 year old female was found badly beaten, burned and raped tonight in an abandon house on the 1100 block of Amsterdam ave. The victim name has not been released yet because authorities are still looking into the brutal killing.” “Authorities say the young girl was last seen walking home from school when she was approached by a group of young men, authorities do not have any suspects in custody at the time , if you have any information about this killing please call your local police department.”
“My son wanted to be a professional athlete; he was a talented, loving young man. Everyone who came in contact with him would say the same. These senseless murders have to stop, my son wasn’t hurting anyone, and he didn’t deserve this. If you know anything about who did this to my baby, PLEASE contact the police, justice must be served.” News reporter: “as you can see, this has been a terrible loss for the family of this young man, he is said to had wanted to be in the pro’s, he recently got his first letter from college, he was known as a happy, helping young man. His girlfriend is actually wanted for questioning so if you have any information, please contact authorities.” She had to bury her child.

a dip into REALITY

Some people like the sympathy from others, they like to get their heads rubbed and told everything is going to be ok. She didn’t grow up rough, nope not at all. Sheltered is what she really was, her entire life until an untimely death that left her whole family in shambles. The glue that held the family together had just passed, what was any of them going to do? Go on with life to the best of their abilities and never let the legacy of their “glue” die. They all tried to do exactly that, except her. Truth is, the “glue” raised her since birth, stepped in where her mother couldn’t, but only because of her own selfish ways. She didn’t know what to do after she heard the news, she felt as if she was the only one that felt the pain but the truth is, the whole family felt it. Everyone grieves in their own way. She chose to act out. Hanging out late, around the common thugs, having intercourse with who knows, and being very disrespectful towards everyone. Excuses after excuses, tears after tears. She’d mess up, go off, then apologize and ask for forgiveness from her family. They all cried with her because they cared. She went through a very tragic life threatening event, one that would slow down any fast tail female. It calmed her down for a while but then she developed this “it’s me against the world” type attitude. Through it all, she had her times of saying FUCK FAMILY, as if they weren’t the ones always there for her when the world turned its back. The things she went through and put herself through became unbearable for certain family member; a lot of them washed their hands of her due to the disrespect. She did certain things, said certain things, switched up personalities very often and then she would try to apologize for it. It became a cycle. A very bad cycle. Everyone became immune to her nonsense. At the end of all her antics, there was one family member that stood up for her, no matter what. Until recently, the family member decided not to cry for her anymore, she could no longer take up for the dumb decisions she chose to make, playing the victim got old and she couldn’t take it anymore. There’s not a known feeling that is worse than the one you feel when you are washing your hands of someone you love soooo much. I know SHE has to learn from her own mistakes but due to the fact that I blamed MYSELF for most of her mistakes, I blamed myself. I blamed myself instead of blaming her absent mother, absent by choice; she lives within city limits and does nothing to help this young girl. Another one that believes the world owes them something because of HER choices and lack of good judgment. When my grandmother passed away, her mother was supposed to step in and do her duties but she didn’t. Like mother, like child, they both acted as if the death of our GLUE only bothered them. I guess the selfish ways of a mother does rub off on her seeds. YET, I blamed myself until last night. I will no longer carry this burden, I cannot. With that being said, I’m washing my hands of the whole situation, you think those FRIENDS got your back; let’s see how long they stay there. Cry for her if you want to, SHE won’t get any more of my tears.