choose wisely...

You gonna run away or stay? You asked around about her, You didn’t hear what you wanted to hear, It was your decision to ask tho’, Now you wanna act different towards her, Something that her heart cant bear.. You gonna run away or stay? Yea, you aren’t her first, You know theres a chance you wont be her last, If it happened before you, Why are you dwelling on her past? You gonna run away or stay? She’s been nothing but nice and truthful, Everything you’ve asked,\ She has told the truth, You heard a few things, Now you pushing her way. You gonna run away or stay? You wont be the first to leave, Most cant handle such a head strong female, One who knows where shes been and how she never wants to go back, One who has been through more than you, yourself could prolly handle, Its not like she lied to you or played you, These are mutual feelings, Not just some quick love trap. So you have a choice to either stay or go, you can take that chance and just leave, never fully knowing the truth, because you see, there are always 3 sides to a story, his, hers and the truth… everyone has a past, some worst than others but personally, i NEVER judge anyone based on theirs. I am a true believe in the statement ,"if it happened before you, it doesnt matter" but i guess not everyone believes that statement, just realize that you'll be missing out if you let me go, but the choice is yours, choose wisely.

the handyman..

He sits there, a table full of pieces, pieces of the heart that he recently broke. He had a box full a tools, he thought he could put it back together. What could fix a lie? The Truth. He dialed her number but hung up before the second ring. What could fix the fact that he cheated? Nothing. He started a text message but deleted it before he even thought about sending it. The tools he had with him would never be able to fix the damage he’d done to her heart but for some reason he felt he should try. He’d been trying for months now and he always got the same response. NONE. She stopped answering his calls, she let that go when it first happened. What he had done to her could not be reversed. Her heart will forever feel the sting from his antics and foul play. He thought maybe she just needed time, but time is what she had. She had time to think about everything he’d ever done to her. They were only together for a few months so the things he did stuck out like sore thumbs. He sat at that table and looked at all the pieces. The pieces of her heart, the pieces of her womanhood, every tear she’d cry for him, he finally began to feel what she been feeling the whole time. His eyes began to water, his chest felt real heavy, his stomach knotted up, this is what she felt everyday for those few months. Sleepless nights, early morning tears, she been through hell and back with her emotions. He felt it. He put the tools up, he now knew he’d done damage that couldn’t be fixed, he had to live with the fact that he had messed up. The damage done to her heart , it probably wasn’t permanent but because of him and his endless bullshit, the next man would have to go through hell to get her. He sat back and smiled. He’ll always have her. Men smh.

My black butterfly ...

My black butterfly was written by my BFF, Dee.Willis. Its one of my favs from her collection.. take a peek :) My black butterfly. I thought it was you .every time I see one. I’m hoping its true... Gone too soon. Or my timing is late...as a child of god. I knew he couldn't wait. Thankful for the time we shared...hurtin for the times that u won't b there...dumb hurting...Cuhz I wasn't prepared...I feel u tho...as much as I know u doin better up there...down here is where I needed u...u broke my heart cuhz believed n u..Or I broke my own Cuhz I never believe it'd b u...now ur gone...annoying lil things...are now what I yearn for most...yo smile, crazy ass laugh is what I hold close...memories locced n my heart. So even if my brain goes insane. My love for u will remain. God bless the child that arrived at your departure. New life is only granted to those deserving. My black butterfly you’re worth it. - Dee.Willis

heavy heart, heavier burden. lightweight.

You have a heavy heart because there’s so much on it. She sits, she waits, and nothing new happens. Shes not sure what shes waiting for her but she was told that if she was patient, it’ll come. In the meantime, these men came. Came and went. None of them were exactly what she wanted. She knew she didn’t want a gangbanger, she didn’t want to have the everyday stress of wondering if he was gonna come home at night or if he was gonna be another casualty of the set. She didn’t want a drug dealer because even though they came with cheese, they , like most men, lay with bitches and wake up with fleas. Sadly , she settled for all of the above, but all in one man. She sits, sits in her livingroom. Tv watched her. She stared at the door, as if it was going to magically open. In her hand was her iphone, it was lighting up but she wasn’t paying attention to it because she was in a daze. She stared at the door. Silently praying, begging for God to send him through it. She shivered as a chill came over her, it brought her back to reality. She looked at her pgone, it lit up again, this time her mother picture popped up. She stared at it. She was paralyzed, couldn’t do anything except breath and she contemplated on stopping that herself. She looked at the door, still nothing. Her body was becoming lifeless as reality set in. What she had read 15 minutes ago was real. It wasn’t a cruel joke. She looked back at her phone, unlocked it and went to her text messages to read it one more time. Yea, the message didn’t change, it was still the same message. She put her phone down next to her and was finally able to get up and walk to the bathroom. Once she entered the bathroom, she looked herself in the mirror and realized the person she looked at wasn’t her. This woman she looked at was pained, you could see it in her eyes, her face was drained, marks of where the tears fell were plastered on her face. This wasn’t her, she was a young woman so full of life but right now she looked like someone three times her age. She kept staring at the reflection. When she walked back in the livingroom, her phone was lighting up again, this time the name read TIMOTHY <3. The one call she’d been waiting for. Her:hello. Timothy: are you okay? Her: would you be okay if the shoe were on the other foot? Timothy: that’s not what I asked you Tiff, just answer my question. Her: I answered the phone, that should be enough to tell you that im breathing but am I okay? No im not okay! i’ll probably never be okay!! Timothy: what do you want me to do? Ive apolo... Her: you think an apology is enough? You think an apology is going to change the fact that you’re having a child by someone who isn’t your girlfriend? You think an apology is going to make me feel better considering I’ve never had the opportunity to STAY pregnant by you YET this female is? *silence* She sat and thought as he sat and didn’t say anything. Her: I had to hear the shit from someone else, ON twitter, and you want to call and apologize as if you didn’t do anything wrong! Timothy: well what do you want me to say? *beep beep* She hung up in his face. She couldn’t believe how he was acting. So nonchalant about the situation as if they hadn’t been together for 5 years and counting. She knew what kind of man she was dealing with. Handsome, young with money and a lot of side ones. They knew he was with Tiffany though, they didn’t care but they knew. Tiffany had experience 2 miscarriages and 1 abortion while she’d been with Timothy. The miscarriages weren’t because she was unhealthy but because he would beat her until she could hardly move. He did this knowing she was expecting his child. Twice. To be continued…

my story.

In order for others to feel or understand what you’ve been through, you have to open up. All those scars that you try to hide with Band-Aids, all the smoke you inhale to numb the real pain, you have to open up, make yourself vulnerable. I don’t like revealing myself in my stories, all of them aren’t about me but a lil piece of it might be from my personal story. I don’t want to bore anyone , let’s be honest, how many times do you want to read about a girl getting beat, a young man getting killed or a runaway? This one is different. This is my story. I am a 23 year old female, born and raised Compton & Lakewood, Ca. I didn’t grow up poor, I struggled but I’ve overcame all the struggles this far. Majority of the time I had a two parent home, my mom would do anything for my sister and I, my step father would do the same. My biological father was in my life since the day I was born so I had that male figure in my life. Looking at some of the things I’ve done, you would think I didn’t have a father figure. I’ve put myself through a lot of unnecessary things; rather it was to fit in or just out of stupidity. Relationships are one of those unnecessary things I’ve brought upon myself. I don’t know why I was so stuck on the idea of having a boyfriend when I was younger, looking back on it, it was really dumb. When I got in my first “relationship” I thought I was grown. Age wise I was an adult but mentally I was still a lil girl looking for love that’s been in my life since birth. I can’t explain why I was so head over hills for this young man who belonged to someone else. The things we went through together were self-inflicted. We put ourselves through so much pain and agony just to be separated 5 years later. I have no regrets though, everything I went through taught me something. I don’t know what made me feel like it was ok to play mistress at the age of 17. That to me was the start of all my relationship issues, I know I jumped from one relationship to another; this one came before the abuse. While I was in this love triangle, I experienced the worst kind of heartache, I was so young and naïve and I was also taken advantage of. He knew I didn’t know better but that’s what happens when you think you’re smart. We were “together” for 9 months. I was never taken on dates, I always came last. I was his piece on the side, and then the love came. He loved me because he knew I wasn’t going anywhere. He loved me because he knew my legs were open to him and only him while he gave his dick to everybody else. I can’t hold a grudge against him because I did it to myself; I let the sex take over my mind. Being as though I was young, it was easy to get lost in what I thought was love. I like to think this was the quiet before the storm. I was still searching. In my second relationship is where I was introduced to verbal, emotional, and physical abuse. He wasn’t abusive from the start; he was actually very sweet to me. However when you put two people together that are too young to even attempt to be in a stable relationship, you have issues. Even at the ages of 17 and 19, we were too young. At that point of time I thought being a good girl friend meant having sex with him when he wanted it, laying up with him at his mom house and getting out of bed in the wee hours of morning to go pick him up. I really thought those were my duties. We argued and fought, we really fought. First it started with harsh words but shortly after, we would start being physical. I have a bad mouth and short temper so sometimes I would hit him first but him being a man, he was way stronger. Every blow was followed by an apology and “I love you” I started feeling like that was expressed his love. (See blog entry titled “Knowing the Difference”) That wasn’t love. I learned a lot dealing with that situation, it had its pros and cons but I’m just happy we walked away from each other breathing because at the rate we were going, one of us would have been 6ft under. After my abusive relationship ended, I ran into the arms of multiple dudes, all of them offering me something different. I wanted to be loved but I didn’t want to end up hurt, I wanted a boyfriend but I didn’t want the damage that the title brought. I wanted to be taken out but I wanted to just go home afterwards. Those two relationships really scarred me, and it shows until this very day. My fears of being hurt stop me from letting people in my life. So if I let you in, it’s only for however long I want you to be around. It’s sad because now I really want the love of a boyfriend, but I’m not sure if I’m capable of giving it back. I have every day struggles, just like your typical 23 year old woman. I have health issues that trouble me every day but sometimes I don’t say anything because I don’t want anybody to worry about me. To be honest, I worry myself enough. There is always an ache or pain but I keep quiet. I don’t deal well with emotions anymore, I just try to cover up all my scars, even if it just last for a day or two. I’m still mourning the death of my grandmother, she died in July 2008. The relationship me and my grandmother had wasn’t the same as all of her grandchildren. I joked with her and said she didn’t like me because I was the darkest in the family loll, she’d tell me to shut up. truth is, I knew my granny loved me, she never showed me differently but I wish I would have took advantage of the time we had together. I wish I didn’t have that big argument with her before she got sick, I wish I could have apologized the right way. I made her a promise at her funeral; I told her I would do something with my life. I did. I went to Everest College for medical assistant and I graduated in November of 2011. When I walked across the stage, I saluted my family and I said a silent prayer to my granny. You see, I’m just like everyone else; I’m battling a battle with myself. I wish I knew exactly what I was put on earth to do but I don’t. All I can do is continuing living and doing what I feel. I write a lot, my writing is an escape from reality; my dro is the medicine to subside the pain. Nobody knows your struggle; some don’t even care to hear your story. You just sat and read a lil bit of mine and I appreciate it. I pray that it helps someone in the long run but in the meantime, I’m content with knowing I shared something about myself. KIERA TANAE THOMAS.