it smelled like death, the walls were white, the floors were cold. lady to her right, sat with her head buried in her hands, sobbing. this must be her first time too. lady to her left, sat quiet and untouched by the awkwardness of the room. footsteps. next patient. shes the next patient.
"Are you allergic to anything?", the man in the white lab coat asked.
"No", she was only able to mutter under her voice. her throat was dry, she was afraid, nervous, distraught.
"Okay follow me, we're going to put you to sleep using anesthesia, lay back and count back from 10." another nurse spoke this time.
"10..............." she was out.
they were in their mid twenties, they shared a special connection from day one. being able to talk to one another about any and everything, it was only right that they became exclusive. from the time they met, he knew he wanted her to be the mother of his children, he'd even asked her a few times and she replied with love. the love she had for him, she would go to infinity and beyond, climb the highest mountain and cross the driest desert for this man. he was what no other man was to her, he loved her with no limits, he never judged her or even brought up the bad things she had done.
they never practiced safe sex, eventhough they should've just because no matter how much a person loves you, they might slip up and end up in or on someone else. precaution. they didt take any precautions, they never thought they needed to. she was going to be his wife and he would be her husband and they would have a family.
thinking she knew the way he felt about her no matter what, she was estatic to find out that she was pregnant that cloudy cold morning.she couldn't believe that after so long, her dream had finally come true. she was going to be able to experience pregnancy and have a baby with the love of her life.
"are you serious?" those were the words that came out of his mouth after she called him with the happy news. she could tell from his tone that it wasn't the excited kind of "are you serious" it was like more of a regular question.
"am I serious? yes im serious! you're going to be a daddy baby!!" she beamed into the phone.
"ohhhh... well okay. ill talk to you when I get home", he hung up without saying bye.
she tried to replay the conversation over and over again in her head to try to understand what went wrong. he knew that a baby was completely possible, they had a very active sex life and they didn't use protection. she just couldn't understand why he was so cold towards her when she expected him to be the total opposite.
he walked in the house and straight to the bedroom , he seen the light from the tv on so he knew she was in bed. he sat in the chair they had in their room and put his head in his hands. she crawled to the edge of the bed where she was sitting directly in front of him.
"you cant have my baby, its not a good time at all. so much is going on and we don't need this right now" his words hit her full force, she couldn't swallow, she couldn't breathe, she couldn't believe what she had just heard. she raised up off the bed and walked into the bathroom, locking the door behind her. she looked in the mirror, trying to come to. she couldn't understand what had just took place and why.
KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK
"come out of the bathroom man, please. I didn't mean to hurt your feelings, its jus... its just that its not the right time baby, we not stable or anything, please come out the bathroom and talk to me." he said into the door, on the other side, she slid down to the floor, curled into fetal position and the tears started. she laid there and thought back to every doctor appointment she had gone to, all the ultrasounds and CTS she had sat through so that one day this day could be possible and now he wanted her to end it, end it before it even had a chance to start. she ended up falling asleep on the bathroom floor.
when she opened her eyes, she was staring at the toilet, as if on key, she felt nausea and put the toilet to use. she stood up and looked herself in the mirror again, yes this was really happening, no dream. she turned the door knob and pushed, but she had to push something out the way that was blocking her exit. it was him , he had fallen asleep in front of the bathroom door. she pushed it harder, hard enough to hit him and wake him up. He opened his eyes and looked at her, their eyes were both blood shot, as if he was crying all night as well. she stepped over him, headed towards the closet. she pulled out her suitcase that she had only used once. she slowly began throwing clothes from the closet into the suitcase, he just stood there looking , trying to figure out what she was doing, he hope what he thought wasn't really happening.
she looked at him as he sat against the wall looking stupid, "im leaving, ill be back to get the rest of my things some other time, do not call me , don't text me, don't try to contact anyone on my behalf. you have broken every piece of my heart, I've done nothing but be good to you, ive given you everything you asked for and you cant give me one thing, well you gave it to me but you cant let me enjoy it so for you, im going to get rid of it. I don't want to have a child by a coward, a man who talked a good one until shit got real then decided to come at me with some bullshit ass excuse as to why this isn't right. I had a long talk with God last night, I begged him for forgiveness for what im going to do for YOU." he tried to talk. "NO! let me finish, I am doing this for YOU. so when its all said and done, remember you had everything and YOU are the reason why you don't have shit now." with that said, she put on her sweats and hoodie, grabbed her hat and slides and walked out of the apartment they once shared some of the happiest times in.
"hello hunny, you're up, you made it through. im going to massage your stomach to get any excess blood out of you okay" she just looked at the nurse, no reply. the nurse left her bedside and as the next patient was being rolled into recovery, she could no longer hold her tears in.
just bad timing.
Welcome to the official website of the author, K.Tanae.
Tuesday, November 5, 2013
Him, Her & HER.
“A lioness doesn’t lose sleep over the opinion of sheep”
He lay with her at night, kissed her as she slept. His arm under her
head, she put her body into his, just to make sure he was there. It
was real, he was there. Sleeping with her like old times, nothing
disturbing them except their own dreams and probably her sleep talk.
She lay awake during those times, wondering why he stopped replying.
Maybe he was asleep; he’d had a long week. Her pillow was the only
comfort she had, oh and let’s not forget her phone. She fell into a
slumber, still wondering what he might be doing.
2am, he kissed her neck. She shivered at the slightest touch, she was
a light sleeper, and any slight movement would wake her up. He pressed
himself against her, giving her a hint that she already knew was
coming. He didn’t sleep through the night and when he woke up, she
knew what he needed to go back to sleep. It was their addiction, the
one drug that kept them together no matter what. It was a spark every
single time it occurred, nothing would change that. He turned her over
from her side to her back, found what he was looking for... the
entrance.
3:30am, she lay in bed awake, checking her phone every so often just
to see if he would text or call. NOTHING, she hadn’t heard from him
since about 6pm the night before. Thinking thoughts that no female
wants to think, where on earth could her man be. She finally gave in
and sent a text, of course no response because he was asleep. Asleep
with her.
He stroked her with long deep strokes, the way she loved it. He kissed
her neck and bit her arm, digging himself deeper inside of her with
every stroke. She lifted her legs to give him more entrance, he
grabbed her breast and squeezed while he let out a moan. He loved this
woman, this was where he belongs. She turned him over and gave him
what he loved in returned. The way she stroked his dick with her hand
before letting him go inside her mouth, drove him crazy. The way she
stroked in a circular motion made his breathing change. She flicked
her tongue on the tip of his swollen manhood and took it a step
further by taking him in her mouth completely. His legs tensed up. His
phone lit up. The room lit up, she kept going. Sucking harder and
stronger every time. He couldn’t control himself, he attempted to roll
over and look at his phone but she wasn’t having it, she took him as
deep as she could, he froze. She kept going, stroking, sucking,
spitting. His entire pelvic area was damp from her. He grabbed her
head, he was almost there.
She couldn’t understand why her calls and text were going unanswered,
this was becoming too familiar. Friday nights he would vanish until
Saturday mornings. She tossed and turned all night, hoping that the
sky would open soon and the sun would shine, letting her know it was
officially a new day.
His nutt shot down her throat and she gracefully took every drip of
it. He looked relieved; she kissed him on the cheek and rolled over on
to her side.She knew the light on the phone was his girl, his
girlfriend in reality.
He’d been married for almost a year now.
She knew her place as his wife, he was hers and she was his and death
couldn’t even part them. She played her position, everyone knew who
she was, and she got the respect that all the wives got. He came home
to her, slept with her, fed her, ate with her and now he was starting
a new chapter with her. Feeling the movements in her abdomen reassured
her that no matter what, she would always have a piece of him.
“A lioness doesn’t lose sleep over the opinion of sheep”
He lay with her at night, kissed her as she slept. His arm under her
head, she put her body into his, just to make sure he was there. It
was real, he was there. Sleeping with her like old times, nothing
disturbing them except their own dreams and probably her sleep talk.
She lay awake during those times, wondering why he stopped replying.
Maybe he was asleep; he’d had a long week. Her pillow was the only
comfort she had, oh and let’s not forget her phone. She fell into a
slumber, still wondering what he might be doing.
2am, he kissed her neck. She shivered at the slightest touch, she was
a light sleeper, and any slight movement would wake her up. He pressed
himself against her, giving her a hint that she already knew was
coming. He didn’t sleep through the night and when he woke up, she
knew what he needed to go back to sleep. It was their addiction, the
one drug that kept them together no matter what. It was a spark every
single time it occurred, nothing would change that. He turned her over
from her side to her back, found what he was looking for... the
entrance.
3:30am, she lay in bed awake, checking her phone every so often just
to see if he would text or call. NOTHING, she hadn’t heard from him
since about 6pm the night before. Thinking thoughts that no female
wants to think, where on earth could her man be. She finally gave in
and sent a text, of course no response because he was asleep. Asleep
with her.
He stroked her with long deep strokes, the way she loved it. He kissed
her neck and bit her arm, digging himself deeper inside of her with
every stroke. She lifted her legs to give him more entrance, he
grabbed her breast and squeezed while he let out a moan. He loved this
woman, this was where he belongs. She turned him over and gave him
what he loved in returned. The way she stroked his dick with her hand
before letting him go inside her mouth, drove him crazy. The way she
stroked in a circular motion made his breathing change. She flicked
her tongue on the tip of his swollen manhood and took it a step
further by taking him in her mouth completely. His legs tensed up. His
phone lit up. The room lit up, she kept going. Sucking harder and
stronger every time. He couldn’t control himself, he attempted to roll
over and look at his phone but she wasn’t having it, she took him as
deep as she could, he froze. She kept going, stroking, sucking,
spitting. His entire pelvic area was damp from her. He grabbed her
head, he was almost there.
She couldn’t understand why her calls and text were going unanswered,
this was becoming too familiar. Friday nights he would vanish until
Saturday mornings. She tossed and turned all night, hoping that the
sky would open soon and the sun would shine, letting her know it was
officially a new day.
His nutt shot down her throat and she gracefully took every drip of
it. He looked relieved; she kissed him on the cheek and rolled over on
to her side.She knew the light on the phone was his girl, his
girlfriend in reality.
He’d been married for almost a year now.
She knew her place as his wife, he was hers and she was his and death
couldn’t even part them. She played her position, everyone knew who
she was, and she got the respect that all the wives got. He came home
to her, slept with her, fed her, ate with her and now he was starting
a new chapter with her. Feeling the movements in her abdomen reassured
her that no matter what, she would always have a piece of him.
the unknown.
every piece I write is either a personal experience or something my mind comes up with.
enjoy.
What She Will Never Know..
She’ll never know the significance of my name when you say it.
The way you pronounce it like none other, the way it rolls off your
tongue and the spark in your eye when you say it.
She will never know how we started and how we’re never going to end.
She will never know that we still talk every night, that to your life
I am the light,
she will never know.
November 27,2012
She will never know.
The day our worlds clashed and became one.
She will never know.
The way you looked into my eyes that night as you took your first stroke
She will never know.
The way you touched every inch of me precisely,
She will never know.
All of these things she wish she knew.
She will never know.
The break up came quick, but it never ended anything between us
She will never know.
Months into the break up, we still laid up.
Laid up telling eachother our dreams and fears
She will never know the real reason behind all my tears.
And now we’re here.
At the point where one person met another and left the other lonely.
Im never really lonely because you gave me your heart,
You gave me your word,
I gave you mine.
We’ll be with eachother no matter what until the end of time.
She will never know.
& though this chapter has come to a final end, it was a story worth living,experiencing,&writing. thank you VTW for the endless lessons and memories. til the casket close & we 6ft unda.
enjoy.
What She Will Never Know..
She’ll never know the significance of my name when you say it.
The way you pronounce it like none other, the way it rolls off your
tongue and the spark in your eye when you say it.
She will never know how we started and how we’re never going to end.
She will never know that we still talk every night, that to your life
I am the light,
she will never know.
November 27,2012
She will never know.
The day our worlds clashed and became one.
She will never know.
The way you looked into my eyes that night as you took your first stroke
She will never know.
The way you touched every inch of me precisely,
She will never know.
All of these things she wish she knew.
She will never know.
The break up came quick, but it never ended anything between us
She will never know.
Months into the break up, we still laid up.
Laid up telling eachother our dreams and fears
She will never know the real reason behind all my tears.
And now we’re here.
At the point where one person met another and left the other lonely.
Im never really lonely because you gave me your heart,
You gave me your word,
I gave you mine.
We’ll be with eachother no matter what until the end of time.
She will never know.
& though this chapter has come to a final end, it was a story worth living,experiencing,&writing. thank you VTW for the endless lessons and memories. til the casket close & we 6ft unda.
Wednesday, July 10, 2013
Crooked smile
Crooked smile
Why is her smile crooked
But her teeth so straight?
5 years of orthro work
But you can't get a real smile outta her.
The fear of crying soon after the smile appears is why she hardly smiles. Show em your pearly whites,
That's what lets em in to eventually harm you.
Her heart has a slight crack in it as well,
Not right down the middle bc when a heart breaks, it never breaks even.
Men swear they love her
But how could they take the one thing that caught their eye?
Why is her smile crooked
But her teeth so straight?
5 years of orthro work
But you can't get a real smile outta her.
The fear of crying soon after the smile appears is why she hardly smiles. Show em your pearly whites,
That's what lets em in to eventually harm you.
Her heart has a slight crack in it as well,
Not right down the middle bc when a heart breaks, it never breaks even.
Men swear they love her
But how could they take the one thing that caught their eye?
Part ways
Part Ways.
We might have to part ways,
I can't deal with this shit every other day.
My smile is fading
My knees are getting stronger
My mind is getting wider
We might have to part ways.
ill take the blame for how you act towards me,
Maybe I listened to your false promises and statements too much.
I never even asked for much
Just loyalty and your time.
You know the same shit I gave you willingly
We might have to part ways.
I gave up everybody for you
Believing you were my mister right
You're slowing becoming mister "just like"
Just like the rest, shame.
Yea I can't believe I said it neither but I did. I never thought I would but that's what you're proving to me.
We might have to part ways.
We might have to part ways,
I can't deal with this shit every other day.
My smile is fading
My knees are getting stronger
My mind is getting wider
We might have to part ways.
ill take the blame for how you act towards me,
Maybe I listened to your false promises and statements too much.
I never even asked for much
Just loyalty and your time.
You know the same shit I gave you willingly
We might have to part ways.
I gave up everybody for you
Believing you were my mister right
You're slowing becoming mister "just like"
Just like the rest, shame.
Yea I can't believe I said it neither but I did. I never thought I would but that's what you're proving to me.
We might have to part ways.
Sunday, June 2, 2013
caved.
I cried, I cried so hard. I shook, I shook uncontrollably. when I talked, I stuttered or words didn't come out at all. My heart was constantly breaking in so many pieces, the stories kept coming & I didn't know what to believe. I wanted to believe you, the man I gave my heart to but her words were hitting like a ton of bricks and you wasn't there to protect me. I broke down night after night, yea I seemed strong during the day but it was eating at my soul.
You asked me for sex but I knew you just wanted to see me, I could barely look at you bc I knew id cry. Couldn't talk to you bc I knew my voice would crack. I was hurting , sooo bad on the inside.
I pulled down my pants and took them off, you stood up and took off your shirt. My heart was pounding. You opened my legs, my world shook. when you entered me, I lost it. I couldn't hold back anymore tears. Your first stroke, I remembered our first kiss. Your second stroke, I remembered our last kiss. Your arms above my head, I laid my head where I always would, in the crease of your elbow. more tears. I felt your breath in my ear, I remembered the first time I heard your voice in person.
You stopped. I guess you thought my tears were bc I didn't want to do it but you were wrong. Those tears were tears of fear, would this be your last time touching me? Was the man I gave my entire being to really going to be just a memory? Was I not good enough to know the truth about you?
Questions brought tears and fears to my core, I've never felt anything like that before.
You asked me for sex but I knew you just wanted to see me, I could barely look at you bc I knew id cry. Couldn't talk to you bc I knew my voice would crack. I was hurting , sooo bad on the inside.
I pulled down my pants and took them off, you stood up and took off your shirt. My heart was pounding. You opened my legs, my world shook. when you entered me, I lost it. I couldn't hold back anymore tears. Your first stroke, I remembered our first kiss. Your second stroke, I remembered our last kiss. Your arms above my head, I laid my head where I always would, in the crease of your elbow. more tears. I felt your breath in my ear, I remembered the first time I heard your voice in person.
You stopped. I guess you thought my tears were bc I didn't want to do it but you were wrong. Those tears were tears of fear, would this be your last time touching me? Was the man I gave my entire being to really going to be just a memory? Was I not good enough to know the truth about you?
Questions brought tears and fears to my core, I've never felt anything like that before.
above & beyond.
going above and beyond,
Doing shit that's beneath me,
Seems like I'm in OT tryna keep you,
You ain't even thinking about me.
I give in to your every desire
Do you ever wonder how I feel?
My love for you is turning into fire,
Burning pain bc of all the things you don't do but expect me to do.
You ain't never had a girl like me,
Yo next bitch won't even amount to me.
I give you all of me,
Even let you share me,
You wasn't thinking about how I felt about it
As long as you got what you wanted outta it.
Going above and beyond for a nigga,
Doing shit that's beneath me.
Doing shit that's beneath me,
Seems like I'm in OT tryna keep you,
You ain't even thinking about me.
I give in to your every desire
Do you ever wonder how I feel?
My love for you is turning into fire,
Burning pain bc of all the things you don't do but expect me to do.
You ain't never had a girl like me,
Yo next bitch won't even amount to me.
I give you all of me,
Even let you share me,
You wasn't thinking about how I felt about it
As long as you got what you wanted outta it.
Going above and beyond for a nigga,
Doing shit that's beneath me.
Tuesday, April 23, 2013
my perfect man
he stands a lil taller than me, but he never looks down on me.
his eyes are a lil tighter than mine but he still sees me completely.
his skin is a lil lighter than mine but we compliment eachother well.
his voice is way deeper than mine and sometimes i get lost in it ..
he is perfection, my personal perfection.. i have the perfect man, hes caring, hes stubborn, hes able to put up with me , he brings out the best in me, the parts of me that not too many cared to see.
he is my man.
my love, my happiness, air to my lungs and the perfect verse to my songs.
he stands a lil taller than me,
perfect for when he wants to stand up and hold me.
his eyes are a lil tighter than mine,
perfect for concentrating on every piece of me when im in his presence.
his voice is way deeper than mine,
perfect for calming me and giving me the feeling of being protected.
he is my protector,my knight in shinning armor. my prince charming that ive been waiting for.
he stands a lil taller than me,
perfect for when he rescued me.
his eyes are a lil tight than mine,
perfect to capture and forever remember his first glimpse of me.
his voice is way deeper than mine,his heart is made of gold, so pure and kind.
my perfect man.
a love UNHEARD of...
When she smiled at him, He was instantly mesmerized. He couldn't quite grasp the reason why but it was something about her smile, the way her top lip curled as she showed her perfect set of teeth. Her eyes had so much life behind them, he caught himself staring at her, he put his head down. She blushed. He looked over again and now she was reading, her eyes again, they were filled with so much emotion as she concentrated. Her eyes, a dark brown, pretty eye lashes and shaped like almonds. She turned the page and glanced in his direction and smiled at him again. She knew he had been glancing at her every now and then. She wanted to say something but she was too afraid of the way he would react. Caught up in her thoughts, she didn't notice him move closer to her, actually right in front of her. She glanced up and she froze, his eyes met hers and at that moment, they both knew a bond had just been started. He said hello and noticed that she looked at his lips as he spoke, almost trying to concentrate and understand every word he said. She wrote her name on a piece of paper and showed it to him, he looked up at her baffled. Why did she write it instead of saying it aloud? He told her his name was Malcolm, she wrote that it was nice to meet him. He still couldn't understand why she chose to write these words instead of saying them. She figured he was wondering why she was talking, she took a deep breath and grabbed her pen, almost afraid of to write what she intended to write , it was something about him that made her wanna get to kno him and she was sure that after he read what she wrote, he'd get up and be gone forever. She took her chances. I'm deaf. She slid the paper towards him and prepared herself for the worst. Malcolm looks down and read the paper and looked up at her, she started putting her things in her bag and then she noticed him writing.... That's good to know but I was actually looking forward to knowing your name :) -a love unheard of, dig deeper, beyond the exterior.
Tuesday, March 19, 2013
its been a while
its been a while since ive taken the time to write anything. i dont know why though, i have alot on my mind but its harder to write these days. writing completes me, it makes me happy, i feel alot better when i do it but i just havent done it.
whats new?
i am now 24 years old, still dont have any kids but my day is coming. i am officially in a relationship for the first time since 2009 & i might be at my happiest point in life. i remember writing things about the perfect man, my perfect man and i got just that. i have a man that listens to me, laughs with me, has patience with me, he has broke down every wall ive built in the past & he never gives up on me. hes my perfect man.
other than love, ive just been doing what i gotta do to stay up .. ill continue to do it ..
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