my story.

In order for others to feel or understand what you’ve been through, you have to open up. All those scars that you try to hide with Band-Aids, all the smoke you inhale to numb the real pain, you have to open up, make yourself vulnerable. I don’t like revealing myself in my stories, all of them aren’t about me but a lil piece of it might be from my personal story. I don’t want to bore anyone , let’s be honest, how many times do you want to read about a girl getting beat, a young man getting killed or a runaway? This one is different. This is my story. I am a 23 year old female, born and raised Compton & Lakewood, Ca. I didn’t grow up poor, I struggled but I’ve overcame all the struggles this far. Majority of the time I had a two parent home, my mom would do anything for my sister and I, my step father would do the same. My biological father was in my life since the day I was born so I had that male figure in my life. Looking at some of the things I’ve done, you would think I didn’t have a father figure. I’ve put myself through a lot of unnecessary things; rather it was to fit in or just out of stupidity. Relationships are one of those unnecessary things I’ve brought upon myself. I don’t know why I was so stuck on the idea of having a boyfriend when I was younger, looking back on it, it was really dumb. When I got in my first “relationship” I thought I was grown. Age wise I was an adult but mentally I was still a lil girl looking for love that’s been in my life since birth. I can’t explain why I was so head over hills for this young man who belonged to someone else. The things we went through together were self-inflicted. We put ourselves through so much pain and agony just to be separated 5 years later. I have no regrets though, everything I went through taught me something. I don’t know what made me feel like it was ok to play mistress at the age of 17. That to me was the start of all my relationship issues, I know I jumped from one relationship to another; this one came before the abuse. While I was in this love triangle, I experienced the worst kind of heartache, I was so young and naïve and I was also taken advantage of. He knew I didn’t know better but that’s what happens when you think you’re smart. We were “together” for 9 months. I was never taken on dates, I always came last. I was his piece on the side, and then the love came. He loved me because he knew I wasn’t going anywhere. He loved me because he knew my legs were open to him and only him while he gave his dick to everybody else. I can’t hold a grudge against him because I did it to myself; I let the sex take over my mind. Being as though I was young, it was easy to get lost in what I thought was love. I like to think this was the quiet before the storm. I was still searching. In my second relationship is where I was introduced to verbal, emotional, and physical abuse. He wasn’t abusive from the start; he was actually very sweet to me. However when you put two people together that are too young to even attempt to be in a stable relationship, you have issues. Even at the ages of 17 and 19, we were too young. At that point of time I thought being a good girl friend meant having sex with him when he wanted it, laying up with him at his mom house and getting out of bed in the wee hours of morning to go pick him up. I really thought those were my duties. We argued and fought, we really fought. First it started with harsh words but shortly after, we would start being physical. I have a bad mouth and short temper so sometimes I would hit him first but him being a man, he was way stronger. Every blow was followed by an apology and “I love you” I started feeling like that was expressed his love. (See blog entry titled “Knowing the Difference”) That wasn’t love. I learned a lot dealing with that situation, it had its pros and cons but I’m just happy we walked away from each other breathing because at the rate we were going, one of us would have been 6ft under. After my abusive relationship ended, I ran into the arms of multiple dudes, all of them offering me something different. I wanted to be loved but I didn’t want to end up hurt, I wanted a boyfriend but I didn’t want the damage that the title brought. I wanted to be taken out but I wanted to just go home afterwards. Those two relationships really scarred me, and it shows until this very day. My fears of being hurt stop me from letting people in my life. So if I let you in, it’s only for however long I want you to be around. It’s sad because now I really want the love of a boyfriend, but I’m not sure if I’m capable of giving it back. I have every day struggles, just like your typical 23 year old woman. I have health issues that trouble me every day but sometimes I don’t say anything because I don’t want anybody to worry about me. To be honest, I worry myself enough. There is always an ache or pain but I keep quiet. I don’t deal well with emotions anymore, I just try to cover up all my scars, even if it just last for a day or two. I’m still mourning the death of my grandmother, she died in July 2008. The relationship me and my grandmother had wasn’t the same as all of her grandchildren. I joked with her and said she didn’t like me because I was the darkest in the family loll, she’d tell me to shut up. truth is, I knew my granny loved me, she never showed me differently but I wish I would have took advantage of the time we had together. I wish I didn’t have that big argument with her before she got sick, I wish I could have apologized the right way. I made her a promise at her funeral; I told her I would do something with my life. I did. I went to Everest College for medical assistant and I graduated in November of 2011. When I walked across the stage, I saluted my family and I said a silent prayer to my granny. You see, I’m just like everyone else; I’m battling a battle with myself. I wish I knew exactly what I was put on earth to do but I don’t. All I can do is continuing living and doing what I feel. I write a lot, my writing is an escape from reality; my dro is the medicine to subside the pain. Nobody knows your struggle; some don’t even care to hear your story. You just sat and read a lil bit of mine and I appreciate it. I pray that it helps someone in the long run but in the meantime, I’m content with knowing I shared something about myself. KIERA TANAE THOMAS.